The best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can’t do it. I see it as a challenge.

For example, Donnie’s back has been hurting so I offered to mow the lawn and he says, “Sure, if you think you can handle it.”

Psh. Psssssshhhhh. I can handle it. It’s just a mower. So, naturally, I had to prove I could do it.

It took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to start it and find the key (yes this push mower has a key). It has a 5 step start up procedure! What happened to yanking the string thingy?

The mower is now on. I put it in reverse, yes, it has gears. 5 gears. Reverse, 1 (turtle – there’s literally a picture of a turtle), 2 (Super fast), 3 (dragging me through the lawn) 4 (I don’t know. I was too scared to try).

I put the mower in 1 for starters and hit the gas. I kid you not, the front wheels left the ground as it took off. Wtf!

When I got bored with 1, I switched to 2 and kept it there most of the time, but when it came time to turn, it was flying on 2 wheels. So then I tried shutting the speed off to turn, but then it’s like trying to turn a pickup truck by grabbing by the truck bed and just throwing your body weight in one direction.

At some points, I switched the speed to 3 and then turned it off to ride the momentum on the turn. Sometimes it worked, others either left big gaps of uncut grass or left me flying around like a rag doll. At one point, I got the mower stuck in the swing set.

This was not just a mower, it was a stock car with handle bars and a super sharp blade. I totally got owned by that mower. But you know what, the grass is cut. I. did. it.