Free tummy tuck anyone?

I have an umbilical hernia.

It’s ok. It’s ok. There, there. Don’t cry for me, fellow bloggers. I’m alright.

I went to the doctor last week and she confirmed, that yes, it’s an umbilical hernia. (OMG don’t Google “umbilical hernia.”  Mine is nothing like that and those pics are disgusting.)

“How does one get an umbilical hernia?” you wonder. Several ways. Here’s one: When a woman gets pregnant… (stop reading here if you’re being a little nancy-boy and can’t handle anymore prego talk). Eh-hm. When a woman gets pregnant – national geographic, hugely pregnant, like I did with Anya – and then she loses the weight really quickly, her abs may not come back together like they should. This leaves sort of a crevasse. When this happens, you can do all the abs you want, that crevasse will remain. It sucks! And if one more person tells me, “It’s the beauty of Motherhood,” I’m gonna punch them in the ovary.

Anyway, back at the doctor’s office, I asked if umbilical hernias are dangerous. Doc says, “Nah, well maybe if you were about 50 lbs heavier or did strenuous ab workouts” (you read my Insanity post, right?). So then I said, “Well I work out a lot, what should I do?” She says, “Well, lots of people get surgery to sew the abs back together, but insurance won’t cover it unless your intestines pop out, then it’ll be emergency surgery and insurance covers that.”

I’m thinking “Did she just say ‘intestines pop out’?” “Is that even possible?” “I wonder if I could get my intestine to pop out” “I could probably handle the pain for free tummy tuck, right?” This is literally what I was thinking. I know, I’m warped.

So, then the Doc said, “Does it hurt?”
Me: “Nah.”
Doc: “Oh because if it hurts, insurance would probably cover the surgery.”
Me: “Son of a –! Is it too late to say it hurts?”

For now, it looks like no surgery.

Welp. Gotta go do some abs.

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