I went to Green Acres whole foods store yesterday. As I pulled up, I said to myself, “We’re not at Walmart anymore, Toto,” when I saw a mother lovingly buckle her J. Crew toddler into his Burberry carseat in the backseat of her Jag. Feeling a little out of my league, I decided I’d go in anyway. At the least, I was in my bis-cas instead of my usual baseball hat with tank and running shorts.
As I entered, I thought, this place is so nice, it would embarrass Dillon’s. (In my mind, Dillon’s is the “luxury” version of Walmart with much fewer options and cheaper plastic sacks.) The produce looked so perfectly aligned and fresh (all organic, of course). I browsed for a minute, forgetting why I came there. Everything was about three times as much as I would expect. I’ve never even heard of this stuff. Xylitol is good for you?
As I browsed up and down the aisles I noticed, the fancy-pantsed shoppers carefully selecting their organic, no-GMO, ridiculously overpriced goods. I’m reminded of when Donnie worked at Collegiate (I always felt out of place in my Target clothes and cheap shoes). About 4 times in 10 minutes, I was approached by courtesy clerks looking to lend a helping hand. I must’ve looked like a lost puppy, but that store layout made no sense at all.
To the last clerk, I said, “Kefir?” Bemused, she said “Kefir.” I’m thinking, isn’t that what I said?” but feeling a little organic-food-vocabulary-inadequate, I nodded and followed her.
I grabbed the bottle that sounded the best tasting (relatively speaking). On my way out, I passed an old man sampling raw white cheddar. I took a sample. Which, for me, are not free because I instantly feel guilty for taking a free sample with absolutely no intention of purchasing whatever it was they were peddling.
“Mmm” I said.
“It’s on sale, only $4!” he replied eagerly.
I’m beginning to wonder if he gets a commission. I grab the small block thinking I’ll just put it down somewhere else in the store. Of course, there was no where to put it. “Shit! I guess I’ll buy this $4 block of cheese.” After all, I don’t want him to think I’m cheap, or can’t afford to spend $4 on what looks like 3 slices of cheese (not sliced). Do you think he noticed that my shoes cost $4?
It’s at this point in the post where I begin to wonder “What the hell is the blog post even about?” And then I remember that I wanted to point out that I felt awkward and uncomfortable around all those rich people. And that I was willing to spend more money to prove that I fit in, when it was painfully obvious that I did not. Maybe I’ll stick to buying my organic products from the nicer part of Dillon’s, where people still shop with a budget.
P.S. For now, I think I’ll go enjoy my meatloaf salad made with organic “freshwater” sprouts and baby kale (whatever that means).