I prefer not to shower

I am terrible at girly stuff. I don’t like girls’ night. I never wore ribbons in my hair and I didn’t plan my wedding before I got engaged. When it comes to things like baby showers, I usually try to come up with a really good excuse and an even better gift, which I will mail. I just don’t feel comfortable. The games are stupid. I get bored with the “oohing” and “awing” of every. single. gift.

So, when my good friend invited me to her baby shower, I thought long and hard before declining. But, before I could, she text me, “Donnie told me you were gonna make it to my shower. Yes!” Dammit Donnie (he’s always trying to get me to be a better friend).

When I walked in the door of the shower, a random group of women sat staring at the door in silence. How she was able to get such a big group of women in which no one knew each other is beyond me.

I cracked a few jokes to the lady next to me but she just kept focusing on comparing how SHE looked when SHE was pregnant and how HER baby was much more active. Blah blah blah.

I was starving but the food table was off limits until games were played and presents were opened. Why do people do that?? When we finally got to eat, I was wondering if the fruit bowl and cake were going to multiply like fishes and bread. That didn’t happen so I sat down and enjoyed my grape and cake sliver.

To conclude the shower (at least I’d really hoped this was the end), we went around the circle to give the mom to be some parenting advice. When it was my turn, there had been about 8 “Love him. Just love him.” And at least 4 “Lots of hugs and kisses!” So when it got to me, I panicked and blurted out, “Make sure you point his little pee pee down after you change his diaper. Fewer wet pants!”

I heard a few gasps and then silence. I think next time I’ll just mail the gift.

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